September 25, 2013

From: Fake Larry Ellison

To: Oracle Executives

Subject: I’m the Best. Dreamforce is coming

Team,

First, I want to let you know I’m the best. As many of you already know, ORACLE TEAM USA just won the America’s Cup in an unprecedented fashion, down 8-1. This is the only time team Oracle should be the underdog.

Which brings me to Dreamforce. My frenemy Marc Benioff is throwing his annual conference Dreamforce from November 18 - 21. I’m sure it won’t be as good as Oracle Open World but we can’t take that chance. What is the status of operation Oracle Cloud Cover?

Also, who covered for my keynote?

Regards,

Larry

 

From: Oracle Cloud Cover Product Lead

To: Fake Larry Ellison

Subject: Re: I’m the Best. Dreamforce is coming

Larry (can I call you Larry?),

The project is on schedule. Oracle Cloud Cover will be the first subscription, enterprise-grade, web-based weather machine. We assure you we will have at least one or possibly two rainy days during Dreamforce. We also estimate at least almost an inch of rain per day. And it integrates with Badgeville for gamification capabilities.

Regards,

Product Lead

From: Fake Larry Ellison

To: Oracle Cloud Cover Product Lead

Subject: Re: Re: I’m the Best. Dreamforce is coming

Wonderful. I had one of the junior guys in my staff whip up a mock-up. Can you make this happen?

image

You see this? Look at my yacht go!

Regards,

Larry

November 19, 2013

From: Fake Larry Ellison

To: Oracle Executives

Subject: Rained out! Also, Green Day Setlist

Team,

Congratulations to the Oracle Cloud Cover team. Today was a rainy mess. I suspect the reset of the conference is going to be a disaster if the rain keeps up.

Did we confirm Tré Cool will use the setlist we provided him? I’m getting him into the next Terminator movie so he better come through.

Regards,

Larry

From: EVP of Media Relations

To: Larry Ellison

Subject: Re: Rained out! Also, Green Day Setlist

Supreme High Commander,

I am pleased to inform you Mr. Cool has indeed gotten our request and will play our setlist. I am still a little unclear of the song choices but here is the setlist as you requested.

  1. American Idiot
  2. Nice Guys Finish Last
  3. Geek Stink Breath
  4. Know Your Enemy
  5. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)

Regards,

EVP of Media Relations

From: Fake Larry Ellison

To: Oracle Executives

Subject: Re: Re: Rained out! Also, Green Day Setlist

Isn’t it obvious? All these songs show Marc that I’m still #1. Except for Time of Your Life. I just love that song.

Regards,

Larry

November 21, 2013

From: Fake Larry Ellison

To: Oracle Executives

Subject: What happened to the rain? Also, Salesforce1?

Team,

What happened to Oracle Cloud Cover? It’s blue skies right now in the middle of November. Someone make that team redundant. 

Also, I’m a little paranoid about Salesforce1. It looks like Marc is moving beyond cloud to own mobile first. No one’s gotten productivity on mobile right so far. The open APIs allow integrations with countless apps in other devices, from wearables to gadgets, which enable unparalleled customer data acquisition and interactionIt is also smartly ties in with all the companies and products they’ve acquired and released over the past few years, including AppExchange.

Although, I suspect Marc is calling it Salesforce1 so I’ll have to say on record “Salesforce won.” Clever man.

Can we put something together for our mobile response? Let’s call it Oracle 2 X Infinity. There’s no number bigger than infinity right?

Also, who was in Iron Man 2? This guy.

Regards,

Larry